Note to self:

Go ahead and look up information in old e-mail messages, when required. Do not linger and read other messages, however. You know better. You’re still upset at some people, you just plain don’t like others, but the worst are the ones you like, but have somehow lost. Others have lost you. For some, you have no idea why. Even more maddening is the part of you that still misses them keenly. Maddening. You can’t talk to them to try to get some sort of closure because they’re the ones who have stopped talking. Write them about it and you might as well get ‘pathetic’ tattooed to your forehead. You’ve tried. It didn’t work. You want to try again? Keep it zipped and stay away from those old messages. At least you won’t be labelled pathetic. No one needs to know.

It’s amazing how a whole relationship (of whatever sort) can fit in one’s inbox. There’s the first message, hesitant and tentative. The message frequency and familiarity both increase. It’s novel. Learning about someone you like is fun. There’s talk of meeting. After a time, the newness dissipates and is replaced with comfort and trust. It’s a nice when it works out so well. But then the frequency drops off. The distance widens. Nothing can be done because the fact that it’s happening isn’t even acknowledged. A few strange conversations may give clues about what’s really going on but talk is so infrequent that there’s no context. The strange conversations may not mean what you think. They may mean nothing at all. From five messages a day to five months between messages in such a short time can’t be a simple scheduling problem. Then an entire calendar year will go by without a message. The end.

So stay out of those old messages! There’s unfinished business in there and you can’t finish it yourself. A life has many lose ends. Move along. Why can’t you let them go?

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